Decoding KSS’ Gaslighting Techniques.

When corresponding with KSS in person or by email, please be advised that KSS has been expertly gaslighting many of us for decades, and continues to do so when we conduct a Birth Family Search through them, both via email and in person.

See how to decode common KSS gaslighting language below.

What is Gaslighting?

gas·​light·​ing 

Definition of gaslighting (Entry 1 of 2)

“Psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.

Gaslighting can be a very effective tool for the abuser to control an individual. It's done slowly so the victim writes off the event as a one off or oddity and doesn't realize they are being controlled and manipulated.

— Melissa Spino

Gaslighting can happen in any relationship circumstance, including between friends and family members—not just in couple relationships.

— Deena Bouknight

This is a classic gaslighting technique—telling victims that others are crazy and lying, and that the gaslighter is the only source for "true" information. It makes victims question their reality …

— Stephanie Sarkis”

~

Gaslighting (Wikipedia):

Gaslighting is a colloquialism, loosely defined as making someone question their own reality...The expression, which derives from the title of the 1944 film Gaslight, became popular in the mid-2010s.

The term may also be used to describe a person (a "gaslighter") who presents a false narrative to another group or person, thereby leading them to doubt their perceptions and become misled, disoriented or distressed. Oftentimes this is for the gaslighter's own benefit. Normally, this dynamic is possible only when the audience is vulnerable, such as in unequal power relationships, or fearful of the losses associated with challenging the false narrative. Gaslighting is not necessarily malicious or intentional, although in some cases it is.

KSS Gaslighting in the English Adoptive Child Study Summary.

Unbeknownst to many KSS Adoptees, KSS has been gaslighting (deliberately misdirecting) the vast majority of us from the very beginning of our lives through the common Korean Adoption process of “Orphanization”. KSS commonly wrote in our English facing adoption paperwork - specifically in the English Adoptive Child Study Summary - that we were “abandoned” and had “no known birth parents” and that we were found with a “paper-slip” or “memo” in our “clothings” (sic).

However, secretly KSS kept a document we now know as the Korean Adoptive Child Study Summary, which often contains the more truthful information about your origins, including sometimes, though not always, birth parent and sibling information, or more truthful information about where you were born / found. You can easily request / obtain via email within 1-3 weeks from KSS using the “Option D” method described here.

Many (likely thousands) of us were not actually “abandoned”, but rather relinquished by living birth parents or birth family member/s to KSS, a feeder orphanage, maternity clinic, single unwed mother’s home, etc. In many cases, these family members left some information about themselves behind. The only way to find out is by requesting your Korean Adoptive Child Study Summary from KSS via email using the “Option D” method.

KSS Gaslighting in the Birth Family Search Process: Part 1.

Often times when KSS Adoptees return as adults to Korea to meet with a social worker at KSS’ Post Adoption Services building in Seoul, they are told either by email or in person information that gaslights Adoptees by not fully explaining the truth behind their words. The following is an example of what KSS says vs. what this means:

What KSS says:

"The information on your birth parents and background was too short and uncertain and had no documented evidence, so the official adoption process was done as abandoned through the Police."

What this actually means is:

We (KSS) orphanized you and thousands of other children like you, by falsely writing in your English Adoptive Child Study Summary that you were "abandoned" and found with a "paper-slip" or "memo" so that you could be classified under the legal definition of an "orphan", thus making you adoptable / sellable to the West. We also failed to accurately record information on your birth parents in many cases and rarely did we try to verify that the information was accurate.

Additionally we (KSS) rarely made sure that your birth parent/s gave consent for your adoption, so we currently have no idea if your birth parent/s ever even knew that you were sent for adoption, or that you had been adopted overseas.

However, we (KSS) secretly kept a sometimes more accurate version of your origin in our secret document, the Korean Adoptive Child Study Summary, which we won’t tell you how to request (nor even that it exists). But if you are fortunate enough to figure out how to request the Korean Adoptive Child Study Summary via the “Option D” method, then you can easily receive this document via email within 1-3 weeks from KSS.

KSS Gaslighting in the Birth Family Search Process: Part 2A.

What KSS says:

"We got a little information on your background from your birth clinic (or midwives clinic, hospital, etc)".

What this actually means is:

We (KSS) looked at your Korean Adoptive Child Study Summary which you probably don’t know exists, and are summarizing in English the information which is written on this original Korean / Hanja document without letting you know where this information is coming from or that you can obtain a copy of this original document, the Korean Adoptive Child Study Summary, by requesting it via the “Option D” method.

How to think about this:

Most birth clinics / midwives clinics from the 1970s / 1980s are closed, but KSS makes it sound like they contacted these places in the present day. Nope, KSS just looked at your Korean Adoptive Child Study Summary that was made around the time of our relinquishment, and KSS is telling you in English a summary of what is written on that document in Korean and / or Hanja. You want the source document, people. Learn how to request it via the link above.

KSS Gaslighting in the Birth Family Search Process: Part 2B.

Can You Spell That In Korean Please?

KSS only ever provides the ENGLISH phonetic spelling of people and place names, and NEVER the KOREAN / HANGUL spelling of people and place names, often even if you ask them to.

After a KSS Adoptee initiates a Birth Family Search through KSS, KSS might email the Adoptee with the name of a medical or midwife’s clinic or hospital where the Adoptee was originally born or found. In very rare cases KSS might include a name of someone associated with your case (someone who found you, a birth parent or relative, etc). KSS might preface this information with this text:

"We got a little information on your background from your birth clinic (or midwives clinic, hospital, etc)…”

However, when KSS provides people and place names, KSS NEVER provides the Korean spelling of such names. This makes these places nearly impossible to search for unless you know the Korean spelling of the names. Because guess what - Koreans write in Korean / Hangul, not in English!

For example:

What KSS tells you: LeeSoonni Maternity Home
What KSS doesn’t tell you: 이순니 조산소

Often, even if you ask, KSS will NOT provide the Korean spelling of people or place names. (This is true not just for KSS, but for other Korean Adoption Agencies).

How do you know if you are reverse translating the name of person or place from English to Korean correctly if you can’t look at the original source document? You DON’T! You need the original Korean document to know for sure that you have the CORRECT Korean / Hangul spelling of a person or place name.

You can always try asking KSS to write these people or place names in Korean…but in our experience, KSS makes finding these people and places as hard as possible, because ultimately, they don’t want you to.

KSS Gaslighting in the Birth Family Search Process: Part 3.

What KSS says:

”On your request, we tried to find your birth family through NCRC but had no success.  We got the answer from NCRC that they could not find any of your birth parents’ records because the personal information on your birth mother / birth father is too little.  We are sorry for this news but are going to close our searching because there is no other way to find your birth family.  But we will be sure to let you know in case we have contact from your birth family in the future.  Hope you to understand this.  Best regards!”

What this actually means is:

We (KSS) don’t want to let you know that you can conduct a new Birth Family Search through NCRC every year. We (KSS) have no right to permanently close your case. Due to short staffing, NCRC will not permit you to conduct more than one Birth Family Search per year, but there is no limit to how many times you can try a new Birth Family Search through NCRC (one time per year).

We (KSS) don’t want you to know that you will have the most luck with birth family search by being in Korea, going to NCRC in person, and pushing your case forward. We (KSS) don’t want you to know that the more you push, the more successful that you may be.

KSS Gaslighting in the Birth Family Search Process: Part 4.

What KSS says:

”The birth parent name/s in your adoption documents probably aren’t real, so you shouldn’t search for them".

What this actually means is:

We (KSS) don’t want to let you to search for your birth parent/s, so we are going to tell you that the information that you have is false.

How to think about this:

You never know if the information in your English or Korean adoption paperwork is true or false. Unfortunately, DNA is the only truth in Korean adoption. The only way to find out if the birth parent name/s in your adoption paperwork is accurate or not is to track one of them down, and then do a DNA test with them. This usually involves doing a birth family search through NCRC, and a lot of hard work, patience, luck, time, money, and persistence.

KSS Gaslighting in the Birth Family Search Process - Part 5: Imperfect Record Keeping.

*It should be noted that not all KSS Adoptees have false information in their Korean Adoptive Child Study Summaries. Some KSS Adoptees have true information that has led to birth family reunions. However, DNA is the only way to confirm if information about a birth parent is true or false.

KSS, like all of the major Korean Adoption Agencies, often was imperfect if not downright bad at record keeping. Ironically, KSS appears to be amongst the “better” of the Korean Adoption Agencies in terms of record keeping, but this doesn’t mean that there aren’t often falsehoods, mistakes, inconsistencies, lack of verification of information including birth parent / sibling identities, etc. within KSS Adoptees’ English and Korean adoption documents, including the English and Korean Adoptive Child Study Summaries.

Conflating this issue is the fact that birth parents themselves often left deliberately false information about their identities when relinquishing their child/ren to Korean medical and midwives’ clinics / single unwed mothers’ homes / hospitals / orphanages / KSS the adoption agency, etc. Unfortunately the only way to verify whether or not the birth parent information left behind in the Korean Adoptive Child Study Summary is true or false is to find the birth parent/s and to take a DNA test with them.

Also conflating this issue is the fact that in many cases we know of, children were relinquished for adoption not by both consenting birth parents, but by one of the birth parents without the consent of the other, or by an extended family member (such as a grandmother, grandfather, aunt, or uncle) without the consent of one or more birth parents. It highly depends on the individual Adoptee’s case as to whether or not accurate information was left behind about the identity of the person relinquishing the child for adoption.

Children who were lost and found by police, or children who were illicitly acquired for adoption may also have false information in even their Korean Adoptive Child Study Summary.

Because child abandonment was illegal, oftentimes Korean birth parents seeking to relinquish their children for adoption would use someone else’s name to relinquish their children to orphanages / adoption agencies etc.

Alternately, sometimes when the person relinquishing the child for adoption was a birth relative, such as a grandmother, grandfather, aunt, or uncle, then that person might leave their name when relinquishing children to orphanages / adoption agencies etc., but pretend that they were not really related to the child. Some Adoptees with “birth parent” or “foster mother” names in their adoption paperwork have come to discover that these names belonged to an extended birth family member and not to their birth parent.

In the worst case scenarios that we know of, some KSS Adoptees have ended up in false reunion with the wrong birth parents because they were able to successfully find the birth parent listed in their adoption documents, but did not take a DNA test to confirm their relationship with them after “reuniting” with them. Some KSS Adoptees we know of were in false reunion for years before realizing this tragic mistake after finally taking a DNA test. This tragedy, which not only affects the falsely reunified Adoptee, but also the falsely reunified birth parent/s as well as the real Adoptee who is related to the falsely reunified birth parents, can be avoided by being sure to confirm through your own DNA tests with any possible birth relative that you find that you are or are not related to them genetically.

When in Korea, you can reach out to the Korean Adoptee organization 325Kamra to receive a free FTDNA DNA test. But if you are going to Korea and know that you will be meeting a possible birth parent or birth family member, we highly recommend also taking your own DNA test/s with you to Korea, and seeking permission of that birth family member to conduct and process this test yourself. Of course, you will have to also take the same DNA test if you have not already done so.

DNA is the only truth in Korean Adoption.

KSS Gaslighting in the Birth Family Search Process - Part 6: Visiting The KSS Post Adoption Services Building in Seoul For A File Review.

KSS Adoptees have reported having wildly different experiences when visiting KSS’ Post Adoption Services building in Seoul for a file review with a KSS social worker. Some KSS Adoptees have had very happy experiences, with some even being put into nearly immediate reunion with birth family. Others however have not even been allowed the chance to look at or receive a copy of their adoption files, despite having traveled thousands of miles and spending thousands of dollars for the opportunity to do so in person.

Why have KSS Adoptees had such vastly different experiences when visiting KSS in Seoul?

One factor is the time period / year in which the KSS Adoptee has visited KSS in Seoul. Several KSS Adoptees who visited KSS prior to 2012 have reported that they had an easier time gaining access to their adoption file. This is in part due to the fact that prior to 2012 when the Special Adoption Law went into effect, it was kind of the “Wild West” in terms of getting adoption information from adoption agencies - the return of Korean Adoptees to Korea was newer then, and adoption agencies often just didn’t know what to do, or they didn’t have any guidelines to follow when Adoptees returned to KSS prior to 2012. The Special Adoption Law, according to many Adoptees, gave social workers at KSS, as well as at the other major Korean Adoption Agencies, law to hide behind. Korean social workers, including those at KSS, commonly interpret the law strictly to closely protect Korean birth parent privacy.

One of the biggest factors which determines the quality of experience which a KSS Adoptee has when visiting KSS in Seoul for a file review is whether or not KSS in its possession birth parent / sibling information about the Adoptee. Birth parent / sibling information, if it exists, is to the best of our knowledge most commonly recorded on the Korean Adoptive Child Study Summary, which most KSS Adoptees have no idea exists, and therefore do not know how to request properly through the “Option D” method described here. *Even if a KSS Adoptee visits KSS in Seoul, if the Adoptee does not know about the Korean Adoptive Child Study Summary, KSS will rarely tell the Adoptee that this document exists, or how to request it. However, if the Adoptee knows that the Korean Adoptive Child Study Summary exists and requests it via the “Option D” method via email in advance of their visit, KSS will provide a (partially redacted) copy of this document for the Adoptee either by email within 1-3 weeks of the official request or during the Adoptee’s visit to KSS in Seoul.

IF KSS does NOT have birth parent information about the Adoptee, then often the Adoptee’s visit to KSS is easy peasy and delightful, because KSS has nothing to hide.

IF KSS DOES have birth parent information about the Adoptee, and BOTH the birth parent/s AND the Adoptee have consented in writing to be contacted by the other party, then KSS may decide to facilitate a birth family reunion.

IF KSS DOES have birth parent information about the Adoptee, and the birth parent has NOT consented to be contacted by the Adoptee (which is often impossible for the birth parent to do for a variety of reasons - including not being informed that they would need to do this, or not knowing what adoption agency their child had been adopted through), then KSS is often less likely to allow the Adoptee to view or receive a photocopy of their adoption file during a visit to KSS. What the KSS Adoptee also often does not know is that the Adoptee themself must grant KSS written permission to KSS to put them in contact with any birth family members in order for KSS to do so. (KSS Adoptees can simply write an email to KSS granting permission for KSS to put them in contact with any birth family members). Often, when confronted with the reality of not being allowed access to what KSS Adoptees rightfully consider to be their information, a typical argument ensues, where the Adoptee shouts, “That’s MY file!” and the KSS social worker stalwartly maintains that the Adoptee’s adoption file is the private property of KSS. How strongly an Adoptee argues in this kind of situation may determine whether that particular Adoptee is allowed a copy of their file or not.

Another big factor which determines the quality of experience which a KSS Adoptee has when visiting KSS in Seoul for a file review is level of falsification / secrecy / deception in the individual Adoptee’s case. IF there is a large amount of falsification / secrecy / deception in the individual Adoptee’s case, then the KSS social worker may be very protective of the Adoptee’s file, and not allow the Adoptee to see, touch, or receive a photocopy of their adoption file. Adoptees in such cases may feel confounded by their inability to access what they rightfully believe to be their information. However, KSS sees all KSS Adoptees’ adoption files as their private property. This commonly results in a conflict which may leave the Adoptee upset, disoriented, and deeply angry. What makes this situation even more ridiculous is that the Adoptee can often more easily obtain information from their adoption file from KSS via email by using the “Option D” method described here. There have been countless cases where KSS has not informed the Adoptee that they could easily gain access to their adoption information by email, even when the Adoptee has visited KSS in person.


For all of the reasons above, we highly advise that Adoptees not visit KSS on their own. It can greatly help to have an advocate, advisor, friend, or family member in the room for support. Oftentimes KSS Adoptees have reported that it has helped them to take someone with authority to their file review, as KSS social workers do not always show respect for Adoptees. Because an Adoptee’s first return visit to KSS can be deeply charged and emotional, it can help greatly for the Adoptee to bring someone who can be more objective, and ask important questions that the Adoptee might otherwise be too distraught, distracted, or too strongly affected by gaslighting to ask of the KSS social worker.

And uh…bring a gift.

Adoptees’ Own Gaslighting of Themselves, Thanks To KSS’ Gaslighting of Adoptees.

Because many of us as KSS Adoptees are so deeply gaslighted by KSS through the process of Orphanization, we often tell ourselves that because we were “abandoned”, no one loved us or ever tried to look for us after our “abandonment”. This results in many of us never looking for Korean birth parents, or only looking when it is too late.

Some more complicated possible scenarios than “abandonment”:

While certainly abandonment did happen, what many Adoptees don’t know is that many birth parent/s or their birth relatives relinquished child/ren for adoption - not always with the permission or knowledge of one or both birth parents.

What many Adoptees don’t know or understand is that many Korean birth parents had no idea which Korean Adoption Agency that their relinquished child/ren were adopted through, nor even that their child/ren had been adopted internationally. This is for a variety of reasons. When birth parents relinquished children for adoption to a birth / midwives’ clinic, hospital, or to an orphanage, they may not ever have been told which Korean Adoption Agency their child/ren had been sent to for adoption. Furthermore, for the birth parents who did know which Korean Adoption Agency their child/ren had been sent to, these birth parents were / are often met with extremely stiff resistance by these Korean Adoption Agencies when attempting to retrieve their child/ren or gain information about them. In most cases, it is extremely difficult and often impossible for Korean birth parents to get information on their relinquished child/ren, as Korean birth parents have no legal rights to look for their relinquished child/ren. Only Adoptees have the right to look for their birth parents, and due to strict Korean privacy law, the odds against Korean Adoptees reuniting with their birth parents are often very great.

This does not however mean that reunions are impossible, and we have heard of many reunion stories from KSS Adoptees. Read about what conditions may be necessary to be met for a birth family reunion here.

Another thing which many Adoptees don’t understand is that back in the day, many Korean birth parents had zero concept of what “adoption” meant, much less what international adoption might mean. Many birth parents erroneously thought of orphanages and adoption agencies as “daycare centers”. We have heard many stories of birth parents leaving their children at orphanages and adoption agencies for a while, falsely believing that they were “daycare centers”, and then coming back to try to pick up their children, only to find out that their children were gone, and had been sent for international adoption.

International adoption was not a native concept to Korea, having only been introduced to the country by missionaries in the wake of the Korean War. Therefore many Korean birth parents did not understand what would happen to their children when left in the care of orphanages or Adoption Agencies for what some believed would be a temporary stay.

Additionally, we have heard of many stories of birth parents attempting to retrieve their child/ren from orphanages, adoption agencies, etc., only to be met with extortion attempts - where the orphanage or adoption agency set an impossibly high price for the return of the child/ren or information about them, or simply refused the birth parents’ pleas for the return of their child/ren or information about their children’s whereabouts. Many impoverished birth parents were unable to pay such a high price to these social welfare institutions, which would rarely return children to the birth parents as these institutions would receive much more money from the sale of the child for international adoption. (It is said that the adoption fees for of one Korean child for international adoption in the 1970s could pay for the entire year’s salary of a Korean social worker).

In many cases we know of, children were relinquished for adoption not by both consenting birth parents, but by one of the birth parents without the consent or knowledge of the other, or by an extended family member (such as a grandmother, grandfather, aunt, or uncle) without the consent or knowledge of one or more of the birth parents.

Children who were lost and found by or taken to police - or acquired by police - were often taken almost immediately by police to orphanages or adoption agencies. This was often done instead of the police making an effort to find a lost child’s parents.

Children were also illicitly acquired for adoption.

Sometimes the person relinquishing the child for adoption was not the birth parent/s, but rather a birth family member, such as a grandmother, grandfather, aunt, or uncle, who may or may not have had the permission of one or both birth parent/s to relinquish children to orphanages / adoption agencies etc.

Unlike in the West, in Korea, when parents divorced, it was the father who received custody of the child/ren. Often when the father remarried, the child/ren from the father’s previous marriage were unwanted in the new household, and oftentimes children were sent for adoption for this reason, either by the birth father, or by his new wife or one of their relatives.

For these and other reasons, Adoptees should not assume that they were simply “abandoned” and forgotten about by one or both of their birth parents. While abandonment certainly happened, and certainly not all Korean birth parents were innocent victims, nor do all Korean birth parents seek to be in reunion, there were an abundance of circumstances which resulted in the relinquishment - not necessarily abandonment - of children which Adoptees should know about in order to better understand the many possibilities beyond “abandonment“ in their case.

For more information about why Adoptees were not necessarily “abandoned”, please see:

Orphanization

Illicit Practices in Obtaining Children for International Adoption.

The Effects of KSS Gaslighting on KSS Adoptees.

Thanks to the often immense amount of gaslighting by KSS on KSS Adoptees, countless KSS Adoptees grow up falsely believing that they were abandoned, and that their birth parent/s never cared for them or ever tried to look for them. It is impossible for us to know statistically how many children were actually “abandoned” vs. how many children were voluntarily relinquished by birth family vs. how many children were illicitly acquired for adoption vs. how many children who were relinquished for adoption without one or both birth parents’ consent by extended birth family members vs. how many children were lost and sent by police to orphanages / adoption agencies. However, the bottom line is that so many Adoptees grow up falsely believing that they were “abandoned”, and thus never look for birth family members in Korea, or don’t look until it is too late.

Because most Adoptees don’t know that in Korea, only Adoptees have the right to look for birth parents, and that Korean birth parents have no legal right to look for their children, Adoptees often don’t know that even if a birth parent attempts to find the Adoptee through the Adoptee’s Korean Adoption Agency (even assuming that the birth parent knows which Korean Adoption Agency their child was adopted through), the birth parent will rarely if ever be given information on their former child’s whereabouts by the Korean Adoption Agency.

Most KSS Adoptees don’t know that they have to grant KSS written permission (via email) for KSS to put the Adoptee in touch with any birth parent who has tried / or who will try to contact them in the future.

Gaslighting serves the purpose of putting Adoptees to “sleep”, and so it is no wonder that Adoptees stay in the “fog” for so long concerning their origins. It is our hope that in explaining some of the many ways in which KSS has gaslighted Adoptees for decades, that more Adoptees will come out of the fog and search for their origins in a more successful and enlightened manner. At the very least, we hope that Adoptees will better understand that their cases may be much more complex than a simple case of “abandonment”.